
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/905760.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Major_Character_Death, Underage
  Category:
      F/M
  Fandom:
      A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_-_George_R._R._Martin
  Relationship:
      Jon_Snow/Arya_Stark, Arya_Stark/Gendry_Waters
  Character:
      Arya_Stark, Jon_Snow, Eddard_Karstark, Sansa_Stark, Robb_Stark, Bran
      Stark, Gendry_Waters, Catelyn_Stark
  Additional Tags:
      Angst, Drama_&_Romance, Implied/Referenced_Abortion, Suicide_Attempt,
      Sibling_Incest, I'm_Going_to_Hell, Modern_Era
  Stats:
      Published: 2013-07-31 Words: 5213
****** I don't know how ******
by LadyBee
Summary
     "I know it gotta stop love, but I don't know how."
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
                          I waited by your bedside,
                     And didn't close my eyes all night.
                           I named you like a prayer.
 The stars shined in the sky like diamonds against dark blue velvet. A bright
 night filled with the scent of blooming flowers. The white door opened and he
 saw her getting out of the house after she hugged her mother. Her hair combed
 in a way that made her look older. Her dress was made of silver silk and let
her shoulders bare. She looked to the right, just where his car was parked with
                          all the lights turned off.
She knew he was there, watching in the dark as she entered someone else's car.
        She deserved some fun and he didn't have the right to stop her.
  The red sport car followed the empty street as he remained behind trying to
                   figure out what to do with his life now.
Girls wearing shining jewelry and high heels, young bodies in colorful dresses
    with flowers in their arms. Boys wearing smoking, trying to make a good
impression on a date. Prom night was an attempt of making fairy tales real even
if only for a brief moment. Sansa used to say that it was the best part of her
 high school years, but Arya couldn't understand her sister's reason for such
                                  excitement.
Gendry found them a table and talked none stopping about how beautiful she was.
  He was a nice guy and a hell of a quarterback, but she would rather see him
 playing for the school team than date him. By the end of the night she would
  know everything about how he was picked up by a headhunter and would attend
    college next year. How he planned to be a businessman and continued his
                              father's business.
 She tried to seem interested, to engage in a conversation or even dance with
him. All the pretty girls in the prom couldn't take their eyes from him. Gendry
was rather good looking and no doubt he could be more popular among girls if he
wasn't so shy around them. He was supposed to be a great catch, the hottest guy
                          in school, but not for her.
 Arya could feel some sympathy toward him, enough to have him as a friend, but
  endure dating him. He could be the real life charming prince and she would
 still see him more like a landscape than a potential boyfriend. He wasn't her
                                type after all.
 "There's something wrong?" Gendry asked her while Arya looked at some couples
        dancing. He tried to hold her hand and Arya avoided the touch.
"Nothing." She said turning back to him. She was feeling terrible uncomfortable
 all dressed up in a way that even Sansa would have approved. "I was thinking
about Jeyne Poole and how much makeup she must have put on her face tonight. If
 she smiles too much her face will crack, or if things get hot between her and
               Ramsay tonight her face will melt." Gendry laugh.
 "Sure thing. Girls and make up, two things I better nerve try to understand."
He said playfully. "But one thing I know. You look beautiful with all that…You
 know. Dress and stuff. I never saw you like this before." She tried to smile
but it was getting faker by the hour. Gendry could be an incredible athlete but
he had no creativity at all. She had lost count of how many times he made that
 same compliment to her. "Do you wanna dance?" he asked and Arya accepted the
           invitation. It was easier to dance than to talk with him.
 It was supposed to be a fairy tale night but she never liked fairy tales. She
  closed her eyes and rested her head against Gendry's shoulder. He was had a
 muscular body and broad shoulders. It would be easier to stay with him, to be
his girlfriend and let him dream about how they would attend college together.
  High School sweethearts…That was the easy and predictable path, the one she
                       could follow with nearly no fear.
                          It's anybody's guess how,
                        The angel of doubt came down,
                            And crept into your bed.
The band played something slow. Gendry got her body closer and whispered to her
ear how gorgeous she was, as he had done a thousand times before. Arya hoped he
       would not try to kiss her but she knew it was something unlikely.
The music stopped and Gendry stared at her eyes with anxiety and a bit of hope.
He lowered his face, trying to get his lips close enough to her mouth, but Arya
                             turned her face away.
 "What's wrong?" He asked. She couldn't say if he was angry with her, or truly
         concerned with her, like everybody else seemed to be lately.
   "I'm not feeling well." She said almost in a whisper. "I'm going home. I
                          shouldn't have come here."
  "I'll drive you home." He said in a practical tone, trying to be a good boy
                              with good manners.
 "You don't have to." Arya said, trying to avoid his company. "I don't want to
  spoil your night. Stay here, have some fun. I think I've seen a girl or two
winking at you. You should give them a try." Arya said in attempt to change his
                     mind, but Gendry was a stubborn guy.
 "I don't want another girl. I want you." He sounded like a lost boy while he
  tried to hold her hand. Arya smiled at him in an effort of sympathy. He was
  really interested in her but she couldn't understand why. She was far from
being the most beautiful girl in school and he had everything to be one of the
                                 popular guys.
"You are a nice guy. "She said. "It would be easy to be your girlfriend and say
   that I like you, but I can't." It was a sad truth. Gendry could be a good
   influence, someone to rely on and built a life with. Someone to heal her
 inside, but the thing about her kind of pain was that she learned to love it.
    "You're seeing someone else?" He asked while they left the dance floor.
 "It's complicated." She said feeling a knot in her throat. Gendry stopped and
                Arya looked at him before grabbing her things.
"It was because of this guy you did that?" She felt her blood run cold and her
  heart skip a beat. He was as uncomfortable with that question as her. "I'm
 sorry. I shouldn't ask you about these things." No, he shouldn't, but he did
nonetheless. He asked the forbidden question, the one everybody tried to avoid
                      since she came out of the hospital.
 "It's ok. You are a really nice guy, but it wouldn't be fair to stay here and
 use you as my new therapy. Stay here and enjoy the party. I'm sure you'll be
     prom king." She said smiling at him but offering him no real answer.
    "Are you sure you don't want me to drive you home?" He asked once more.
            "I'm sure." Arya tried to sound as secure as she could.
   "Don't do anything stupid, ok?" He asked before kissing her cheek. He was
protective like Robb when she left the hospital. She could pretend he was like
one of her older siblings. Not like him, though. "If you change your mind, you
                            have my phone number."
  She went out of the gymnasium, avoiding any kind of conversation or contact
 with the other kids. They looked at her as if they were trying to guess what
had happened nearly two months ago, trying to conceal all the rumors about her.
Judgment looks weren't something new in her life. She had always been the weird
girl wearing boys' clothes and people stared at her more often than not trying
to guess if she was a lesbian or simply had no sense of style, but this time it
was different. This time she was the girl with problems, enough to make cut her
                   arms and paint the bathroom in blood red.
                But after we danced to the shipping forecast,
                        The words escaped your mouth:
              "i know it's gotta stop love, but i don't know how."
 Arya walked down the street holding tightly to her shawl. The breeze was cool
 against her skin, soothing her worries as she walked alone. The distant sound
of a car approaching didn't bother her. It was surely someone who left the prom
 early, or some couple trying to find a place to have a different kind of fun.
The car passed her by and stopped under a lamp post. Someone inside opened the
door for her and it didn't take much for her to realize who was inside the car.
Arya didn't know how to feel about it. It was both a relief and another reason
   for angst. She closed her eyes for a while and took a deep breath before
                              accepting the ride.
 She entered the car. Indie rock was playing on the radio, one of her favorite
 songs. The air inside was heavy, thick with truths unspoken and lies invented
to spear both some pain. She wanted to ask what he was doing there when he was
supposed to be on the other side of the country. Maybe she didn't have to ask.
             It was a classic symptom of that disease they shared.
He drove the car for a while until they got to a motel at the city borders. It
   wasn't hard to get a room, the difficult part was to bear the silence. He
 opened the door for her and both entered the room. It was as familiar as the
                   smell of cookies on a Christmas morning.
   "I thought you were at college." She said trying to not give up and cry.
"I tried to stay away, but it didn't work." He said sitting on the bed. "Can we
                                  talk now?"
 "I don't think I have much choice in the matter." She said finally looking at
 him. "Why did you come back, Jon? I told you I didn't want to see you again."
"I needed to know about you. I couldn't focus in anything else since…Since that
 day." Jon answered as if it cost him ten years. The last time they talked she
was nearly dead in a hospital bed. He was by her bedside, half asleep, holding
  her feeble hand. "I tried to call you but you wouldn't answer the phone. I
     called Bran and he told you came back home but you were still fragile
   after…Why, Arya?! For God's sake, tell me why you tried to do that?!" He
                               finally lost it.
She lowered her face to stare at her shoes. Look at his face, full of pain and
 despair was too much for her to take. She was the one to tell him to go away
  and leave her be without a single explanation. She did what she must do to
cover their secret, but Jon refused to understand that. Once he got over their
first time together, he started to believe that it was possible to have a life
            with her. It was a dream, though. A bittersweet dream.
                      Now the stairs forget your shoes,
                  And the gate don't creak for want of you.
                            But the jury's out on me.
 "I thought I could deal with it. I thought I would be ok after…Oh Jon, don't
make me say it." She started to cry making Jon rise from the bed to hold her in
 his arms. Even now he was her safety island, even when he could barely stand
                                      up.
            He kissed her forehead and caressed her hair tenderly.
  "I never thought it would end up with you attempting suicide. I should have
known. I should have done something about it before things got out of control."
  He held her tightly. "I should never…Oh God! I thought I would lose you for
                                    good."
    "You don't have to blame yourself, Jon. We both agreed it was the best
 solution, the practical solution. Nobody could ever know what happened." She
  tried to calm him down. Jon lowered his eyes and looked to the scars on her
                              pulse with disgust.
  "It couldn't be the best solution if it leads you to such despair." He said
touching the lines in her wrists. "I wish I knew what to do at the time. Maybe
run away, maybe tell the truth. I don't know. Anything would be better than to
                             leave you like this."
"They would try to separate us, maybe send you to prison. No, our options were
 too limited." She looked up to face him properly. "And I don't think I could
                       bear being a mother at eighteen."
"Then tell me why? Why you thought that death was a solution? We got rid of our
  major problem now, no one would discover us. I thought you would be ok! You
made me believe that!" Jon was getting more and more desperate while he talked.
 "Sansa got home early and found you unconscious on the bathroom floor. If you
          had stayed that way a little longer you would be dead now."
"Don't talk like this. Please, don't…" She was shaking in his arms and she was
                              finally crumbling.
"I'm sorry." He said trying to calm her. "How can I make things right? How can
                           I make you happy again?"
 "I don't think there's a way. We knew this was wrong and we did it anyway. We
always knew it would have to stop at some point." She said soberly as the tears
                              ruined her make up.
  "Don't say it. Please, don't…"He asked holding her tighter in his arms. "I
                           can't stand without you."
   "You went back to college and I couldn't go thru the loss and the secrets
alone. I couldn't tell anyone and I got lonely and desperate. I missed you and
I kept wondering what would have been if things were different until I got lost
 in sorrow." She said. "I tried to make myself believe it had to stop but the
          simple idea of you with someone else was too overwhelming."
 "I have no one else but you." He confessed in a low tone, almost as if he was
  resented with her. "I admit it was shocking seeing you with that guy at the
  prom. I didn't like it. I didn't like to feel like a green eyed monster. I
didn't like to be envious because he can show you around in his arms as if you
              were his trophy without being judged by everyone."
                        We're wise beyond our years,
                    But we're good at bad ideas, my love.
                              Or so it seems to be.
 "Please. You can't be serious about it. Gendry is just a friend and a little
   disguise should be a good thing given the circumstances." She said in an
annoyed tone. Jon could be very childish sometimes, but it wasn't the time for
                                   jalousie.
                "You will keep dating him?" He asked abruptly.
"I don't know. I should date him, don't you think? It's the proper thing to do.
The right thing. He is a nice guy, full of good intentions. He likes me and it
would be easy path. No guilty, no secrets, no angst. Just a normal and healthy
  relationship for a change." She replied rashly. She didn't like how Jon got
             suspicious toward her acts and possessive about her.
 "You are going to leave me than? Is that what you are trying to say?" Now he
was sounding a bit desperate and skeptical. Arya closed her eyes and shook her
                                     head.
 "Do you have any ideas about how to deal with all this mess?! I'm willing to
 hear any suggestions, but the truth is we have no options, Jon! Be reasonable
                                  for once!"
 "Being reasonable near you?! I was never able to, and you know it, Arya! I've
known it for a while now. It's either me or nothing! I won't cross my arms and
 wait for you to throw yourself of some random guy's bad! I won't give you up
                               without a fight."
"Go ahead and tell me how this can go on without a great deal of pain for both
of us?!" She said exasperated. "We are brother and sister, Jon! It started with
   curiosity, maybe with some empathy and fraternal love until it changed to
something much more dangerous! Once you were the one to read me bedtime stories
 and kiss me goodnight, and now you are my secret affair, the guy who took my
                        virginity and got me pregnant!"
"Tell me something I don't know. Do you really think that it doesn't torture me
  every day? Do you think it's being easy for me?" He said with a stern face.
  "It's maddening and sick, but I've made up my mind a long time ago, Arya. A
              life without you it's not one I'm willing to live."
  "I don't know what to do anymore." She said while she sited on the bed. Her
hands were shaking and she wanted to cry her heart out, but it wouldn't do them
 any good. Once he was the only one who could keep her calm and make her feel
 loved and protected. Nobody ever told her that she would need to be protected
                         from him and their sick love.
 "You don't love anymore, do you? Is it because of the baby?" He asked and she
 knew he was afraid of her answer. They held to each other in despair and need
like shipwrecked, and it only made them drown quickly. "Tell me you don't love
me anymore and I shall live you. Tell me I fucked it up when I convinced you to
abort. Tell me I fucked everything and that you hate me for it. Maybe this way
               I can understand that there's no chance for us."
   "Don't be so fucking melodramatic! If I didn't love you it wouldn't be so
difficult to let you go. I hate you for being my brother. Maybe I hate you for
being reckless that night and for convincing me to give up the only part of you
I could ever hold close to my heart and say it was mine, but it had to be done.
           We fucked everything over and over. We did it together."
"Then stay with me. Don't shut me out of your life. It was our loss. We should
 be mourning it together, we should be supporting each other and I'm sorry for
  leavin you behind. I should have being here with you." He said while he sat
near her. Jon held her tenderly and kissed her forehead. "I missed you, little
                                   sister."
 That hurt more than she could say. Little sister…It was a bitter reminder of
 the past and the sin they shared. He always called her like that to make her
 feel loved and cared for. Jon had always been lonely in the house, very much
 like her. The same colors and features. The same grey eyes and dark hair. The
outcast kids in the Stark family. Maybe it was their mutual understanding what
 leaded them to each other's arms. Maybe it was the loneliness and the shared
                              fear of rejection.
                            Shine a little light,
                        Don't wrestle with the night,
                      Don't think about the future now.
                I know it's gotta stop love but i don't know how.
 She rested her head against his shoulder while Jon took of the pins from her
hair, letting it fall loose over her shoulders. He liked to muss her hair since
 they were children. The meaning of the gesture changed drastically along the
years. From gentle touches and caresses to something more alluring. It had and
erotic appeal and she liked the sensation of his fingers running thru her hair
                  and massaging her scalp making her shiver.
  Jon lowered his face, their noses almost touching. He pulled her chin up to
make her look at him. She knew what would come next and she didn't have to wait
 long. It was an addiction what they had. Something beyond control and reason.
Jon's lips were very eloquent when pressed against hers. His kisses used to be
unsure and gentle, but after a while they changed into something more demanding
 and urgent. He had to have as much of her as he could get before the time was
        over, before anyone find out, before the inevitable separation.
 She shouldn't play along so easily with his desires and lustful touches. His
 hand held her by the nape, forbidding her to end the kiss. His tongue danced
around hers and his teeth bitted her lower lip sensuously. He tasted of guilty
                         and grieve, passion and sin.
Jon's hand was at her nape while the other traveled over her curves. She could
feel how he was trying to make her calm down and allow him to have her for the
 night as he had before. Arya knew him all too well to believe it was the only
 thing he wanted from her. He wanted to erase the past and their shared blood,
to forget how he entered that damn clinic holding her hand as if he was trying
  to say that everything would be okay. He mourned their child as much as she
 did, but he chose the silent way to demonstrate it and sometimes it Arya felt
                       terribly abandoned in her grieve.
 His hands touched her neck and shoulders, sliding the stripes of the dress to
 uncover her breasts. Jon kissed her more gently while he touched the exposed
flesh. Tear in her eyes revealed the sorrow and how much she needed him at that
 moment. Arya prayed for his kissed to wash over the pain she fell nearly all
the time. She needed him to be strong now. Her big brother, her stronghold, her
                                trustful lover.
Jon's hands were gentle, and his fingers touched her scars as if they touched a
holy figure in a church. He kissed the thin lines on her wrists, and licked the
  tear in her cheeks. His grey eyes were like the sky announcing a storm. She
could see them holding the tears as the sky holds the rain as much as possible
                   before give in to an unforgiving weather.
                        He needed her to be strong too.
 That was how their love worked. To protect her, Jon would do nearly anything,
   even kill. To protect him, she would do just the same. If they had to be
 separated at some point, then it would be only by death and even so there was
 always the possibility that the one who was left behind would soon follow the
                                    other.
He nearly lost his mind when he heard about her suicide attempt. He could still
 hear his own steps on the hospital's hallway, running to get to her room. He
  could see her in the back of his mind, laid on a hospital bed, pale like a
  corpse, with bandages around her wrists. He could feel her hand in his hand
             when they went to the clinic and how scared she was.
 Arya had always been the only thing in his life worth fighting for, where his
 loyalty laid, where his heart rested. He could deal with anything, but loose
her. It was why he came back, why he was willing to do anything. It wasn't for
the sex or the pleasure she never failed to give him. It wasn't for revenge or
    rage against their family and destiny. It wasn't for anything, but her.
 There wasn't malice and lust in their caresses until there was. He never knew
 when she changed until she did. He never understood his feelings until he was
 utterly in love with her. He never figured out how bad things could get until
  he had to accompany her to make an abortion, and saw her on a hospital bed
                 after trying to open her wrists with a knife.
     How bad she wanted to leave him…How bad he wanted her to never do it.
                                 My little one,
                                My kettle drum,
                     I know i had a message at the start.
                                My babel tongue,
                                My come-undone,
                     I know i had a message at the start.
Sex was the only way to tell him she was still there. Breathing, heart beating,
 face blushing, mouth open, fingers entangled, voice moaning, alive and loving
 him still, despite of everything. Arya was his…His secret, addiction, desire,
        comfort, confident…Arya was everything he loved and longed for.
He trusted in her more strongly than he should, making her cry out in a mixture
 of pleasure and complain. Her legs were widely spread for him, giving Jon all
the freedom to move as he pleased. It was far from good at the beginning. Both
 were tense and Jon was being rougher than usually. He was afraid and scared.
             Above all he was angry with her for being so selfish.
Gradually their bodies found the usual synchrony and Arya relaxed as Jon became
              more attentive to her needs and lowered the rhythm.
Soon enough their bodies were naked and exhausted from all the effort and love
  making. They were staring at each other's eyes, looking for reassurance and
     acceptance. None of them was willing to break the silence to say the
                                  inevitable.
 "This was probably a bad idea." He was the one to say it just before kissing
                                her once more.
"We were always good at bad ideas." She answered. "You always played along with
                          my bad ideas well enough."
 "As you always played along with mine." He said while she rested her head on
his chest. "I wish I knew how to go on with this. I wish you to stop trying to
 get rid of me." He said in a low voice, hugging her tighter. "I'm not letting
                 you go. I'm not going anywhere without you."
                    "I love you. You know I do." She said.
                       "But…" He waited for her answer.
 "But it has to end at some point." She concluded. "How much more we can go on
         with it? How much longer until something really bad happens?"
"How worst this can get, Arya?" He said looking at the roof. "I've already lost
    a child, because we agreed it was too risky, I nearly lost you when you
 attempted suicide, and a few hours ago I thought I was losing you to someone
 else. This is a living hell already. I can't imagine how things can get worst
and even if they do get worst I'll fight as long as you say that you love me."
"You are pathetically romantic sometimes." She said as if she was giving up. "I
  wish it could become true." She said as a stubborn tear fell from her eye.
                                    "What?"
 "A happy ending." The answer came in a whisper. "I wish we could have a happy
                                   ending."
  "I fear that happy endings weren't meant for couples like us. These violent
  delights have violent ends and in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
which, as they kiss, consume." He spoke the lines as if he was both performing
 and meaning every word. How sad it was their story, saddest than Juliet's and
                                  her Romeo.
"It would be much easier if we were from rival families. We could run away and
 marry in secret. We could fake a death scene or maybe convince our parents to
   end the quarrel. I wish you were born from my pure hate instead of my own
   blood." She kissed his mouth lightly. "If we are indeed made of fire and
 gunpowder, for God's sake let us consume our fate violently. Let this sinful
                  and violent delight have its violent end."
Jon let those words take root inside of him. He rose from the bed and searched
inside his pockets for something she didn't know until she saw the small flask
                                 in his hand.
                           "What is it?" She asked.
             "My practical solution." He said calmly with a smile.
                               My prison kiss,
                               My dying wish,
                     I know i had a message at the start
         But it up and abandoned us, when we were sleeping in our beds.
                     x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
 There was no letter or suicidal note in the room when the police arrived. Her
body rested on top of his and both had blissful expressions on their faces. It
  took some time until the authorities identify the bodies and the news would
have choked the whole city if Eddard Stark hadn't avoided the dreadful tale to
                                become public.
 The memorial service was a terrible affair. None of the presents knew what to
 do or say given the circumstances. Cat spat in Jon's peaceful face and cried
   hysterically for her dead daughter. The hypothesis of rape was discarded
immediately but Mrs. Stark insisted on saying that it was what happened. Sansa
 was choked as she held her mother's hand. Bran was trying to figure it out as
            everyone else while Rickon was kept out of the matter.
Strange as it may seem, Eddard Stark stud between both coffins, holding Arya's
diary, without a word of desolation or anger. He found the diary under her bed
 while she was still in the hospital after her first suicide attempt. When Jon
      left the house after a brief visit, Mr. Stark found it odd that his
 illegitimate son would go away so soon with his favorite sibling still in the
   hospital. It was when Ned figured that something was wrong between them.
 At first he thought just like Cat. He thought the worst about Jon and blamed
him for some dreadful act against Arya until he found her diary. There were her
               motives and her feelings. All about their secret.
He was disgusted with every word in it and could barely believe that something
 like that was happening for so long under his roof. Sad and sinful as it was,
   Arya and Jon were in love with each other since God knows when. Madly and
    desperately in love to the point of committing the most stupid things.
 First her unplanned pregnancy and the abortion. Her despair at the thought of
 losing Jon for good and the loneliness she felt when he went to college. The
depression was inevitable, her despair was in every single word. She wrote him
  a note dated from the day before she tried to kill herself. Her last words
                           would always be for him.
 Ned knew it for quite a while. He had the power to stop all the tragedy, but
choose to do nothing but send Jon away. He hoped that the distance would put an
  end to all the madness. He should have sent them away; somewhere they could
  pretend they were not siblings and live a peaceful live, despite any moral
         issues. They would still be damned, but they would be alive.
Despite Catlyn's complains, Jon and Arya were buried side by side in the Stark
crypt. Their names carved in marble along with Arya's last words meant to him,
                              saved in her diary.
             "I know it's gotta stop love, but I don't know how."
            It's anybody's guess how the angel of doubt layed down
                            Sand beneath our house.
               I know it's gotta stop love, but i don't know how.
                                        
                                        
End Notes
     Author's Note: When I heard "New Ceremony" the idea for this fanfic
     came like a bullet thru my brain. I didn't intent it to be so
     dramatic. Generally I go for happy endings and stuff but this time it
     didn't seem plausible. I thought about Romeo and Juliet, the classic
     love story between members of rival families. Despite the tragedy of
     the story, it is still easier being from rivals families than being
     from the same family. I hope you like this one.
     Bee
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